What is your value system?

Every human being is made up of one core thing - Values. A person's values is what stimulates him to do something or not do something, choose among multiple options, directs his thought in a certain direction and is the voice of his conscience. Values, however, may differ from person to person but they are still that. Like a house that is built on a strong foundation, a person must have strong values so that his character and personality can be seen through them. This is what makes a robber to rob, a Good Samiritan to help beyond all odds....

How do values originate? Well, values are essentially what is inculcated into you by your parents, your environment and social conditioning. The way you are brought up at home, what you have been instilled by your parents would form a basis upon which you may have built as your grew up and discovered things on your own. Hence, people brought up well by parents may not necessarily have a strong value system because along the way, they picked up something else...

There are a lot of us who probably do not know what our values are, though we have lived for so long....We have never really thought of it as a foundation to our life! But if you observe, most of your moves, your actions would be determined by your values. If your value is honesty, you will probably not even utter that occasional "white lie"....If your value is generosity, maybe you would feel bad on seeing a beggar and give away some money without thinking......If your value is kindness, you would really hesitate to hurt someone unnecessarily....Values, in turn, determine your attitude...

What are your values? Maybe you should take a look at them...It may even help you in times of crisis for all actions stem from your values....All great men had strong values and that never let them down...

Effective Communication

Though "gyaani" in itself was just my way of expressing what I think and talk, I feel being one is a risk in itself :)

Have you ever met someone who dispels too much wisdom? Who you admire for what they know but sometimes, wish they would shut up? I was on the border of becoming one till I realized it now and pulled myself out...Give me a topic and I can go on and on and on....

The secret of effective communication is that age old formula of KISS - Keep it simple and short!
What can be conveyed in a page (remember writing for university examinations?) can be said short and sweet. This, I am afraid, I am yet to hone my skills on. I do get the matter across but I am tired of it by the end and so is the listener....Not always, but I do...

I do admire those who do not talk much but when they do - make sense...

I think communication should be just that - to talk when its needed, to stop when its not. It is in the latter, that I sometimes, have an issue with. Not consciously, but I get so carried away by the excitement of having someone to listen to, or someone to converse with hours at end that I fail to control it....

One of my favourite quotes is - Sometimes, silence is the best answer!

The Chains of Self Pity

So, there was a frightening truth that was revealed to me during my moments of contemplation – How I was getting addicted to self-pity. Like a sentimental movie, I was acting like the victim in situations, feeling pitiful and the “why me” syndrome – the eternal martyr. This has happened over a few years, a transition has happened from “being strong” to “being weak”. I, personally, think it is because of the movies I see and the romances I read where the hero went back to the heroine after a few crying pages…

Look back at your own life and see the intention behind doing or saying anything to your loved ones…Do you pout if your spouse cannot find the time for the promised dinner? Do you sulk if you are not bought a gift? Do you cry and be tearful? Do you, then, pray to God “why me”? If you recognize yourself in this, then its time to wake up…You are traveling that road which seems bright but is actually ugly – Self Pity…

Self pity, I opine, comes from a lack of confidence and trust in one’s own self…We become dependant on someone else…Our happiness is dependant on someone else…..and worst of all, we begin doing that awful thing – comparing our lives with others’…..Suddenly, neighbors are living a “good” life, friends are “happier”, even our foes are “richer”…! This plunges us into a deep pit of moroseness, pity and sacrifice…We think we are sacrificing our lives for others! Yes, there are some of us who really mean it but not all….

Once you are in the grip of this negative emotion, your life revolves around this totally…It may have begun from a single incident in childhood and then has perpetuated your complete self…Being aware of this is the first step to freedom…Once you are aware of it, every time you get the feeling/thought again, you brush it off and keep going your way….You may even laugh it off as a joke “There goes my self pity again!”…

You will feel stronger, powerful and in control of your emotions. Take self pity out of its roots and plant an emotion that makes you feel good…Giving will seem a lot happier and complaining will seem a lot cheaper to do…

The End of Disappointments

An interesting concept from one of the religious programs I heard that struck me - What you do to another is between you and that person, What that person chooses to do is between him/her and God..

So many times, the reason we are upset is because of expectations. We expect people will behave in a certain way, that they will give us the same importance we give them, that they return our love etc....When this does not happen, we are shattered...Self pity consumes us...It seems the whole world is against us...But were they not our expectations? Did the person give an agreement to us that they would fulfill our expectations? And, if you think back, maybe someone else was disappointed with us at sometime in life, because we could not fulfill their expectations!

Round and round, these matters go till they consume us, torture us and make us puppets in the hands of circumstances.

Is there a way to escape this "wheel"? All religious texts exhort that we do what we can but not expect a return. The Bhagvad Gita speaks that any act done with an expecation of return is not considered as a kind act at all...We do not get the its merit...It is not considered as something we did for another. Do something for someone, feel something for someone, be something for someone - and stop at that point. Think not of whether it is returned in the same measure, even if it is returned at all! Easy to say, easier to preach, hard to do....Yet, this is the one of the few ways to escape disappointments.

The rest will be taken care of by the Laws of Nature or of God...

This Fixation with Saying "No"

A hundred articles, I have read on this subject but I still found I could not do it...After all the talks of standing for my life and doing what I want, I still could not open my mouth to say it - "No"...What is this fixation that some of us have with this word? Why is it that we cannot say a "NO"? Just 2 words...We will preach to others, we will look up as if there is no sky above but - We cannot say a "No"...

By not saying this one word, we will then continue to carry a burden around - Why did I not say it? What will I do now? Who should I talk to? Then, the million ways to get out of the situation is thought of...Lies, white lies, grey lies, black lies....Asking someone else to do it...Not picking up calls...Reasons of falling sick/out of town/parents pressure....And - all because we do not have the guts to say 2 syllables - "No"...

Whose life am I leading? This constant thought of "What others will think" is the cause of this...And lo and behold! they don't care! The "others" say "No" effortlessly and carry on with their lives...What about me? What about us?

Life, being fair, keeps giving us situations to force us to say "No" and will continue to do so till we learn to live our lives the way we want....It is not that I cannot say it, but I do not...

Time to start practicing saying this word before Life says "No" to me!

The Art of Listening

I am being aware more on the topic of "Listening" these days than ever...And I am more and more suprised that it was not such a simple act after all.

When I listen to someone speaking, more (too much use of this word!) often than not, that I am actually getting ready with my statement. I am preparing myself to butt in at the slightest pause and say what I have to. Like an enemy waiting to fire missiles, I am ever waiting to do the same...

If it is not this, I am forever trying to put in what I think is right and feel a deep sense of satisfaction if the person is "converted" to my camp or atleast agrees!

Then, there are times, when I get so excited if someone relates an experience similar to mine, that I forget there is another person in the conversation and begin my dialogue of "Me, too" or "I also had the same...." and blah , blah, blah...

Oh and the rest of the times are spent being in my own "mental conversations" and world that I listen to only bits and pieces of what the other person is talking...

When do I listen, then? When the speaker narrates something "I " find interesting...or to confirm what I need to say...

These insights over the last few days has made me transform the meaning of "Listening"...All around us, we think people are listening to us...But - are they? This does not mean, you need to conduct experiments to find out...Check yourself first and when you are sufficiently aware, it will not matter what the person is doing...

As stated in the book "Don't Sweat over the Small Stuff", let someone else have the glory , let someone else be right - Leave the small stuff...There are bigger things in life!

Letting Go

For many of us, accustomed to "wanting" things and being ambitious to get what we want, there is a slight confusion between these terms and "letting go"...It is so hard to imagine letting go of something or someone you love..."How shall we survive?", we think...The past memories keep haunting you , self pity consumes you and all those sad songs you heard in movies taunt you...You even think you have made a "sacrifice" and that it needs to be glorified...(Some of us even want our statue at the town centre!)

Yet, Buddha and other great souls have said time and again - Let go. Clinging to something or someone will not fetch you the results you want. Like sand when held tightly slips through our fingers, so will what you cling to...Let it free like a bird, it will fly but will return to you...Mistaking love for clinging is the worst mistake that one can make...Love does not consume in a possessive fashion, it does not overwhelm in such a way that you feel strangled...Those are the traits of attraction or the so-called crushes...Love is soft, gentle and not afraid to let go...Because it knows, it will get love back...Love helps you breathe, not choke...

Similarly, clinging to something you want (or feel you want) will not bring it to you. Understand by clinging, I do not mean not trying or not being determined...There is a difference between ambition and clinging...Clinging may make you insane out of that need to possess...It will rob you of your peace of mind and blind you to the truth...The mind will delude you into believing that the truth is what you think, but alas! it was a delusion...Set yourself free by stepping out of yourself and observing your mind, your thoughts , your emotions...Once this is done, you will know what will give you peace of mind and you can choose that...not cling to it...

Let go of your past, you cannot change them...Acknowledge that you have made mistakes, that circumstances were not good, that people were not what you expected (again, a misnomer I shall cover in a future blog) and let go...Free yourself from the chains of your past...Live the present to create your future...Forgive...

Over years, I have sometimes learnt it the hard way but I am glad I am aware of it atleast now...For faith and patience, makes me let go...My soul is free and someone else up above takes over...Letting go will release you from the anger, sadness and pain that you have supressed within and make you more healthy...Else, you may come across a dead end someday....and the poison will kill you...